Saturday, June 25, 2011

Germans: The Gag Experts

Germans are known for a lot of things. Meticulous, but often excessive, engineering skills; Organizational abilities; Attention to detail; Overlong, drawn out names for things; Starting, and then losing, world wars; Strudel.

And, it appears, the gagging of females in their popular media.

Proof? Well, let's take a look at a typical scene of recent vintage.  Usually duct tape, and usually so loose it barely stays on.
Why Even Bother?
I hate gags like this. They're barely better than no gag at all. And they're everywhere these days. To me, it's a sign of laziness on the part of the director and the actress. I'm not saying every scene has to be a tightly cinched knot gag with max stuffing (I wish!) along with a full hogtie and a knotted crotch rope, but why not take a little more time and effort and get it right so that it at least looks somewhat convincing?

Of course, this is what goes on in Hollywood these days, where 110 pound females beat up four or five well-trained men in hand to hand combat, as well as take punches that would deck a young Ali.*

*Sorry for the off topic rant, but I finally got around to watching SALT last night with Angelina Jolie. An absolutely impossible to watch piece of utter nonsense with Jolie playing a Soviet spy doing things that would give James Bond and Ethan Hunt heart attacks. American horror/action/adventure films have lately, with a few rare and notable exceptions, been complete and utter dreck.    

Back to the point, if you're going to do a tape gag, here's some examples of how it should be done correctly.
Tape Gags Done Right
If for reason you can't put a wraparound tape gag on your fair damsel, at least have enough pride in your work to use one that actually appears to be adhered on properly.
And please actresses, don't try to tell us the tape hurts your face. I think if a seventy year old woman and a little kid can handle it, surely you 20 and 30 something hard bodies can stand a little discomfort.

Sadly, this is how most scenes go these days. But in Germany, the attention to detail that made the Germans such a pain in WWII sometimes shows up in their gagging of damsels.

Just take a look at some scenes from episodes of Hinter Gittern and Küstenwache. 

There's some bad ass gagging going on here folks. The evildoers in these shows aren't fooling around. Dominic Wolfe and Jay Edwards themselves would be proud of these gags. We're talking really tight cleaves and some serious mouth stuffing.

Negatives? Well, none of these women would ever be mistaken for Hayden Panettiere or Jessica Alba, if you know what I mean. I have nothing but love and respect for MILF types, but how about putting some of that ultra gag know how on someone like say, Indiana Evans?

I want to offer my sincere thanks and appreciation to Sam and Rob's Damsels for some of these photos, as well as the video links below. 

Küstenwache S01E03 - 'Fischernetz' (starring Lena Lessing):

Küstenwache S03E09 - 'Auf Eigene Faust' (starring Katharina Abt):

Hinter Gittern – Der Frauenknast - S14E14; 'Die Cobra' (featuring Bettina Lohmeyer, Solveig August, Katy Karrenbauer)



Anonymous said...

To support the theory that germans are the gag experts then checkout the film Du hast mir meine familie geraubt (1998).Christine Neubauer ties the most convincing cleave gags i have seen on the unfortunate Katherina Abt,whom she keeps prisoner in her cellar.

Anubis said...

Just think, if they had conquered us, then ALL scenes would probably be that good.

The Greyman said...

I've see the Kat Abt scene you speak of. It's a winner, no doubt about it. Not many actresses have not one, but two awesome scenes as she does.

The Greyman said...

Big A, even for a gag-lover such as myself, that's too high of a price to pay.

And it's not just the whole Nazi violence and racism thing, their words are too damn long and then there's that silly goose-stepping...

... not a fair trade in the least.

MT said...

The film Killerjagd was another good one with a stuffed, cleaved damsel in a noose on her tiptoes.
Germany rules for DID scenes.
Even their soaps have good scenes usually.

Pat Powers said...

It's strange, the cultural influences wrt bondage imagery. The Japanese very rarely have gags, even in their BONDAGE PORN. And the Germans are really good about gagging. The Americans are kinda middle of the road as far as frequency of gagging, but so very often, the gagging is done with complete and utter lack of competence.

Anonymous said...

Where did you get those pictures for the Tape Gags Done Right section? like what movies.

Anonymous said...

one on the far right is from the german version of Funny Games. Naomi Watts gets the same treatment in the american version...